There’s a tinted smile in my face as i write this now, as one
of my lovely teenage memory is evoked in
the process. It dates back to the time
when i used to be a normal impulsive teenage girl who had just begun to feel
this crazy, most popular emotion of a teenage-life called ‘infatuation’. Lets
call it ‘having crush on somebody’, because that is what it exactly means in
the teenage version of a dictionary. I had
suddenly started to feel different from the regular. I blushed a lot and very
often, even when nobody was around.
Inspite of having been a lot more tom-boyish in nature for being born in a
male-dominated family, that shy tickly feeling from the inside would not just
go away. And, this had started to bother me a lot because i felt that it was just
not right for my ‘Need for Speed’ image. But i could do nothing about it,
because it was something that happened itself.
I had no control over this
automated feeling.
Infact, the
condition gets even more worsened when out of the blue the hot single nepali
track ‘Chudaina’ by the ‘Nepsydaz’ hits
the TV screen like a storm. The video goes viral in the internet. It was everywhere then, but its after-effect lasts
till today. The ‘Nephop’ followers may know exactly what im saying right now. The
track came like a boon at the very right time when the young nepali crowd were too
much into the likes of ‘Eminem’ and were desperately wishing for someone from
the nepali music industry to come up with something like that. The ‘Nepsydaz’
were so Eminem-inspired that their flow, lyrics, accent and more importantly
their tracksuits resembled the infamous
white-rapper. The nepali boys were totally fascinated by the hiphop band. And,
BROmance was in the air!. More seriously, the nepali girls were swept off their
feet by Kiran Shrestha’s polished intimidating
attitude, Gyanon Chitrakar’s impeccable screen presence, and Manas Ghale’s
cute face followed by his tailored english-accent. All the females were crushing on them, and i
too happened to be in the league somehow. The phrase ‘Do not follow the crowd, Just
be yourself’ had lost its credibility on me. Kiran Shrestha was my favourite
rapper, but Manas Ghale aka ‘Loorey’ was
the one who made my heart jump every time i saw him. That thumping from the
inside whenever i saw the ‘Chudaina’ video was so intense that even Dr Dre’s
beat would sound infrasonic in this hypothetical comparison. I did not know his
name then, so, i would call him ‘Black tracksuit lagaune keta’ meaning the guy
wearing a black tracksuit, which he actually wore in the video. I have not mentioned his dance moves yet, but
it is to be known that it added a fair share to the drooling factor. I had even tried copying those moves in my
lonesome time once and nearly fell off flat on the floor like Aladdin’s carpet.
Manas Ghale’s fair Korean-looking face had started becoming hypnotical on me
every passing day. My 7th grade examinations demanded hard-work
& vigilance, but i could hardly keep focus. My mind was under my heart’s
arrest. My grayish ‘femme-fatale’ world
suddenly turned into a pink ‘Paris Hilton’ world where all things were
butterflies & candyflosses. I was in denial no more. I had accepted the
fact that i have fallen for Manas Ghale. But, what difference would it make, as
half of the nepali girls were in the
same state as i was in. Moreover, he was
an artist, and i would seem to be nothing more than a star-struck fan to him. I had tried writing to him a couple of times
but in vain due to lack of precocious internet-intelligence.
Sadly enough, that feeling could not survive the race
against time. Hence, it died!, but i don’t remember singing a requiem for it.
Perhaps, it was because i did not even realize that i overgrew the feeling. The thought of Manas Ghale did not hover
around my head anymore, neither did it put me into desperation. There was no prickle in the heart
& no tickle in the tummy like it used to be before. It was gone...as i
grew!
Today, he is in my facebook friends-list, and he knows
nothing about it still. I clearly know i can use this as a good opportunity to
do the same, but the question lies in the feeling. Do i still feel the same for him? Does my
heart beat the way it used to? Do i yet emote for that ‘Black tracksuit lagaune
keta’? Do i scratch his name in my tuition-copy now? Lord, no! I don’t. I am not that 13yr old girl anymore. I have
changed, and so has my feelings. By the way, he has changed too. That cute face
has grown moustache and a goti now (smiles).
Sincerely, i don’t feel a genuine urge to tell him about my ‘past teen-crush’
on him, because i speak & write only
what i feel...and what im going through.
This should however not give you an idea of me remaining volumeless all
this while like a notorious character from
an old Charlie Chaplin movie. I have shared a few good ‘Hi & Hellos’ with
him. He’s been nice, and i’ve been better.
Whenever i see or read him on my homepage now, i smile at
myself and respect the sheer realization of the fact that the feeling i once
had for him was nothing close to ‘LOVE’.
It was just an infatuation..., namely ‘CRUSH’ like i said in the
beginning. The feeling was irrational
and short-lived.... but the truth that i once felt it stays immortal down my
memory lane.
